oh............

So if you have the kind of ears that will burn, don't read any further. You are going to hear it today. I have had the WORST WEEK, I mean THE WORST. I don't even know where to begin. And since this is my journal now, I needed to just spill it, and I am going to give TMI (TOO MUCH INFORMATION) so if you don't want to know that much about my personal life, STOP READING NOW!

First of all, I started bleeding very heavily last Friday night. So much so that I had to call my mom and tell her I could not go to my cousin's wedding reception. I felt so bad, by the time I finished talking to my mom and felt terrible, I had to call Keith and tell him I wasn't going. By the time he gets on the phone I am crying. I feel awful, I have changed clothes 4 times already and it is 2pm. It just SUCKS, i feel like crap. Now this is exactly what was happening back in February when i went to see my OB/GYN. And she told me she would give me something to stop this from happening. Well, what she gave me didn't stop the heavy bleeding. Not to mention that the medicine they gave me makes me TOTALLY sick at my stomach. Well, I called, and "Mary Jane the Nurse's" response was "Just have sex every other day no matter what and walk twice a day and it's going to be ok, you will get pregnant." Well, when you are bleeding all the time, and you have cramps, sex is the LAST THING on your mind. I mean where do these people get off? I don't understand this attitude. And after last Saturday I start to wonder if it is all worth it. I feel like a horrible person saying that. But what if God is sending me signs and I am not supposed to have a baby? What if I am not supposed to get pregnant? I mean I believe in that stuff, and maybe I am just not paying attention to what God is trying to tell me. Maybe I am not strong enough to have a child and be a mother???

Now fast forward to Tuesday. I have therapy. There is a new person at the front desk. HE IS AN IDIOT. You cannot put stupid people at the front desk of a mental health clinic. WE CANNOT HANDLE IT, when we are there it is supposed to be a safe place, a good place, NOT a place to get annoyed. And I proceeded to tell my therapist so much that this guy is so stupid. I mean, I have OCD, I am there for THERAPY, do you want me to leave BETTER FOR THE VISIT? OR WORSE? Add this terrible day to having a horrible period, plus the fact that I used my last pad when I got ready to come to therapy, and it is 80 degrees out and I have to wear black pants out today. So I get home I start working on some stuff, Keith gets home and is going to mow the grass, and I tell him I will pull weeds. Well when i get up, there is blood ALL OVER my t-shirt, on the SLEEVE! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? So then I freak out wondering if it was all over my sleeve while I was at walgreen's, hobby lobby? or big lots? OH NO!!! This is just so stupid and by the minute my want/need to be a mother seems to be dwindling. Or at least the going through all this fertility STUFF is getting old. So I am outside pulling weeds, I mow a little of the front yard, Keith does the back and we go eat Mexican. We have TWO MONSTER MARGARITAS. They were WONDERFUL! It felt GREAT! No cramps, didnt' give care if there was blood all over me or how loud I was being. FELT WONDERFUL!

Wednesday - time to clean the house, and go to the grocery. Well I am HURTING, but I get ready, and off we go to the grocery. I barely make it through publix. I have to sit down twice. I am not kidding, I was sitting down on the beer cooler while Keith was getting milk and I was looking at the soft drinks. Then I found a chair and had to sit down again. It was awful. AWFUL. Not to mention that I think I cussed Keith about 300 times, god love him. But it is like a demon takes over and I cannot control my emotions. I am just NUTS. So we leave, come home, watch another movie, and both fall asleep. I give up on the house, Keith grills out. And we go to bed early.

Thursday - Take my mom out for lunch for MOther's Day. And the whole time I am in total pain. I keep reminding myself that I have an appt. tomorrow with my doc. Make it through Thursday and she will tell me what to do tomorrow to make it ok.

Friday - She comes in, talks to me, says something about maybe doing a D&C, but leaves to talk to the doctor, b/c oh wait I don't see a doctor, I see a nurse practitioner. She comes back and gives me Prometrium and tells me to lose XXXXXX amount of weight. Well ya know what? That is FREAKIN' great and all, but where was all this talk of actual #'s of pounds back in February? It is MAY! I am not stupid, I know I am fat, but I mean NOW you are going to give me a number. And bleeding so heavily has nothing to do with that anyway. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME. So I left there pissed off AGAIN and ready to just kill somebody. Keith go home, grilled out again, and I slept.

Saturday - SLEEP
Sunday - SLEEP

That is all I want to do. Everything I watch has a baby one it, or a pregnant woman. The girl across the street is pregnant again, VERY PREGNANT, and their other baby isn't even 1 year old. Not to mention they smoke ALL THE TIME! The people next door to them have a baby but I never see him, but I see them outside smoking ALL THE TIME, or having parties with their friends. WHY CAN ALL THESE PEOPLE HAVE BABIES AND NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am just really frustrated. I have 2 art journals to work on,and I am not motivated to work on them at all. But someone in the group keeps making me feel bad about it. I mean I have OCD, I get depressed, I get anxious, I get freaked out, not to mention all this period/baby stuff. I MEAN JUST bE NICE LADY! I don't think she knows what that means. And I try to just ignore here and not say anything, but sometimes, my OCD just takes over and I cannot control what I say. From now one I am going to do what the list moms have asked and just IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE. That is the only thing that will keep my sanity. I am just so sensitive and people being hateful, even if they don't realize it just really hurts.

And yes I ask the same question 100 times sometimes, I cannot help it. And yes sometimes I keep things longer than I should b/c they are all laid out and I am working on them and they may be done but I am so freakin' worried they aren't good enough or I will not make someone happy, or SOMETHING. I just wish I could explain my OCD and my anxiety/panic attacks and depression so people could understand.

So I just colored my hair, I took a LONG, HOT bath, and am going to go lay down and watch something stupid on TV to make me laugh.