Saturday, October 18, 2008

Life can be so confusing...

Last night I had dinner with some family members. And the subject of my (and another family members) germ-a-phobia came up. That of course bled into other topics. And eventually a comment was made that my OCD was "just a mental thing I could work through..." WELL YEAH, I know it is mental - but that is like saying if you hold a snake long enough you won't be afraid of snakes anymore. There are people in this world who COMPLETELY agree with that statement. And as much as I wish that was the case it isn't. I think I am beginning to realize that although I wore my "Mask of Normality & Happiness" for so many years, and thinking about how frustrating it was to not be myself - that doesn't matter.

There are people in this world who will TRY to understand me and my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and then there are people who either don't try, or just CANNOT try because of their own beliefs, etc. And so I think - will it be ok to wear that "MASK" around those people - for my sake and theirs? Because all it does is stress me out worrying that they think I am NUTS?!?!? Or is that denying who I really am, and hiding a major part of my life?

We had dinner with friends tonight and it is not something I feel I need to "keep" from them. And I have friends I can text and say "I AM HAVING A PANIC ATTACK - TALK TO ME PLEASE!?!?!?!" And I have those friends who GET that talking on the phone is just a panic attack waiting to happen for me - and the texts are a-ok with them. And then I know I have people/family/friends in my life who think "WHY IN THE WORLD CAN YOU NOT ANSWER YOUR PHONE?"/"WHY IN THE WORLD CAN YOU NOT CALL ME INSTEAD OF TEXTING?"

And so here comes that dilemma again - do I just call and talk on the phone, do I just pick it up and answer and have the panic attack later in private when I CAN take off the "MASK", and not subject anyone else to my "issues".

Just some questions to ponder at 1:30am on a Saturday morning...

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