Wednesday, April 16, 2008

rough day today

I had therapy at 10am this morning. And although it was one of the good sessions, it still makes me tired. Then as soon as I was done we headed to Waverly for my Great Aunt Delsie's Funeral. Luff-Bowen in Waverly has been torn down, so they were operating out of a temporary facility, which was kind of strange, since I have been in Luff-Bowen since I was very young. Seeing all my cousins and everyone was so emotional. I felt so bad for Aunt Delsie's children. It was so hard to watch them walk up to the casket the final time before they closed. And then several of them broke down. Very hard for me because I have been through that with my dad and my Mama Elsie. It never occurred to me that we would go to the graveyard when Keith and I planned to go to this funeral. And then suddenly I realized talking to my mom at the funeral home that she would be buried where my Mama Elsie was buried. And that just hit me so hard. Mama Elsie died in 1995 (one day from being EXACTLY ONE YEAR from the date of my dad's death.) I have not been to the cemetery since that day. Then watching the screen with all the pictures of Aunt Delsie, and seeing my grandmother in them too. Seeing those four sisters, their parents, their kids, etc. So I had told mom well we'll probably go to the grave then b/c I would like to see Mama Elsie. So a few people asked if we were going, and on the way out of the funeral home, I just lost it. Donnie & Ellen were standing there (my uncle and aunt) and Ellen just held me. I said I just felt so bad that I hadn't been out there. And I love Donnie and he says "She'd love for you to come say hi." It is so strange that you forget it is their mom, not just your grandma? Ya know? So I was very upset, all the way out to the grave yard I was weepy. We went to the final prayer for Aunt Delsie and then walked over to Mama Elsie and Daddy Walter's graves. I couldn't even get all the way to them, and I just fell into Keith and started to cry. Then my mom, Aunt Betty, Donnie & Ellen all came up - Donnie said "Well did you say Hi yet?" And that made me laugh. Then Ellen said "she is probably thinking come on Lori hurry it up, Delsie is up here now and I gotta catch up with her!" After people stopped standing over me, I got closer and closer to the headstone with Keith. And finally I just knelt down and cried. Keith told me to talk to her, and to tell her that he was taking care of me now and that she didn't need to worry. And I finally told her I was sorry it had taken 13 years to get out there, I said "I'm sorry it took so long." And stayed there for a while and cried and then kissed her and stood up. Ellen and Mom went back to talk to Aunt Delsie's kids (they asked that we leave while they did the final stuff to the grave site.) And Keith and I stood there, and Donnie stood pretty close by for the entire time. My uncle Donnie. What can I say? He means the world to me. I love him so much, and he and I have always had a "connection" of sorts. He has his kids and other nieces and nephews, but I always know I can go to him for ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING. And him just standing behind us, just comforted me.

It is funny, b/c I told them standing there before I got close to Mama Elsie, that my dad died one month after I graduated from high school (July 5th), the next summer Mama Elsie died on July 4th. So those couple of summers pretty much sucked. Not to mention that I was off at college, away from my family, and I felt like I never got to talk about here, and grieve like I should have, about my dad too. It just felt like we didn't talk about how sad we were, and it just wrecked me. Therapy has helped, and I have gone to my dad's grave and let it all go. But going to see my Mama Elsie was different. I don't know why. I'm glad I went, and even though I am completely WORN OUT now from this very emotional day of saying goodbye to the last matriarch of our family (so to speak) and talking to my grandmother, I am glad I did it. I am glad I faced a fear, and I am very thankful that Keith was there with me, to hold me, to love me, and to just BE there. I am off to bed.
Love & Blessings...

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear of your recent loss and that you had an emotional time at the funeral. Hang in there!!!

    Your blog looks great! I really like the brown.

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