Wednesday, February 11, 2009


Have you ever been confused? Truly I mean, the definition of the word confused is:

"con·fuse (kən-fyōōz')
v. con·fused, con·fus·ing, con·fus·es
v. tr.

1. A.To cause to be unable to think with clarity or act with intelligence or understanding; throw off.
B. To cause to feel embarrassment.
C. To mistake (for another): confused effusiveness with affection.
D. To make opaque; blur: "The old labels ... confuse debate instead of clarifying it" (Christopher Lasch).
E. To assemble without order or sense; jumble.

2. A. To mistake (for another): confused effusiveness with affection.
B. To make opaque; blur: "The old labels ... confuse debate instead of clarifying it" (Christopher Lasch).
C. To assemble without order or sense; jumble.

3. Archaic To bring to ruination."

Well I am CONFUSED! I am "unable to act with clarity or intelligence" right now on a couple of subjects. They overwhelm me, I am so confused. I just have the feeling that God is trying to tell me something through all this, I mean I KNOW he is, but I wish I could figure it out. Because out of this confusion is coming deep hurt on one topic. And on the other, it is making me feel uneducated. And I can "fix" the uneducated part - I can learn, I can grow, I can become educated on the topic, and I plan to do so - I am speaking about the bible. And the study of it in this instance. I never did this growing up, in the Catholic Church we did not do a lot of bible study, so since we have started attending First Family, I have started to do this; and I like it, but it does confuse me. But I will learn, it will change, and I will grow. I see what God is telling me about this. But the other thing I am confused about - I don't see it. I do not see the purpose in my hurt, and pain. I KNOW THERE IS ONE, and it will become clear to me at some point, God will reveal it, and maybe he has and I am just simply not paying attention. But this hurt and pain - this confusion: is almost too much to bear right now.

And is it true that only we can make ourselves "feel" a certain way - we are responsible for our feelings? No one else can make us feel ANYTHING? That seems like such an odd statement to me, because I feel other people can make us feel things. Perhaps it is not them making us feel, but their actions cause us to feel certain things? But why don't people see when they hurt others? A better question is why don't they CARE? I have always "felt" for other people, and would hold my own feelings and emotions in so as not to hurt others. I wouldn't get mad when I should have, or cry when I should have, or say "HEY THAT IS NOT RIGHT" when I should have, to spare another's feelings. And yes, that is my own thing to work through and deal with. But I just don't understand how some people can have ABSOLUTELY no clue they are hurting someone, I don't believe that - I think they DO KNOW, and that is the much harder question in my opinion - HOW CAN you TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THAT? Knowing that you used someone, or that they have been a much better friend to you, than you have been or ever will be to them - and it is on PURPOSE. How can you be so WRAPPED UP in your own self, in your own life, that you don't care about those who care about you??? You need them when you need them, but when you have someone or something "better" (in your eyes) on hand, who cares about that old friend, they will be there the next time you "need" them again. That is SO WRONG, so VERY wrong.

That truly makes me sad. I NEVER want to be known as someone who is hurtful to others, or uncaring, or unreliable as a friend, God please never let me be the one who is so wrapped up in herself that she cannot be a friend to someone else.. I want to continue to be the friend people come to when they need someone; the friend you can always count on no matter what time of day or night, the kind of friend that would lay down her life for you just as God has taught us to do.......and hopefully one day - I will receive that same friendship in return...

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